i’ve admittedly revisited this quite a few times over the past month and it gets better with every read. i deeply relate to the tendency to intellectualize rather than embody—especially because the two often occur simultaneously for me and take up the same amount of space. the catalyst for the numbness you alluded to, this unconscious promise to self that that “you caught me down once but you will never catch me again”—it seems like the kind of thing that develops not necessarily because you’re afraid of rejection (though this can be a factor), but because you can’t reconcile yourself with the fact that a guarantee of any kind was never attainable.
…hmm i think i just intellectualized your intellectualized essay 😂.
thank you so much!!! hey if the intellectualization is going to happen anyway, you might as well embrace it. but you’re exactly right — i don’t consider myself to be afraid of rejection, although i do exhibit the same kinds of avoidant tendencies of people who are. it’s odd.
Casey, this is just impossibly beautiful. I took some big breaths and near the end I welled up. So glad you were moved to write this, and so glad it came across my feed!
i really really loved this. and with every line i felt the need to scream “ME!” because i’ve been going through a similar path; heartbreak, numbness, wondering if i can ever feel again.
lately i’ve been giving in to my want for love. i haven’t done anything to open the door, but the first step is acknowledging that i yearn to feel. even voicing that feels like a huge step.
thank you luisa!!! it’s brutal, isn’t it? there’s comfort, for me at least, in knowing that i’m not alone in that experience.
i wrote in my journal sometime last year, after watching brokeback mountain and listening to the andrew garfield podcast episode, that i yearn for love. i wrote it several times in a row, and it felt like a big realization then; looking back, it absolutely was a big step to where i am now (which is to say, with a lot more to go!).
There is so much in this essay that I wanted to respond to as I read it, from the title to the last word. Intensity of self-awareness and self-honesty is a gift and a curse; nonetheless, I never stop loving the inquiry itself.
In the end, from one human to another, I hope for happiness for you!
So stirring, Casey. I felt like I was being called out in nearly every sentence: the over intellectualizing, the retreating into oneself, confusing the fear of fully feeling as the “bravery” of critical distance. I’m a Capricorn moon, CAN WE HELP IT? Your piece makes me think: maybe! Thanks for the vulnerability 💚
Thanks for the honest writing. When I was a bit younger than you, I wished for the day I'd have no nerves, no jitters, a kind of deadened sense of confidence. I'm pretty close to achieving that now, and I do miss the old days, though I also know they weren't much fun, which also made me a worse person.
ah wow this is so good!! my reading list expands, as i find even more art to aim to emulate. i, too, mourn for the version of myself who wore his heart on his sleeve, who was able to find a deep-seated love for objects of desire so quickly... i hope to follow in your footsteps, and that this current relation maintains its fire
wow thank you so so much for this generous comment :) maybe there is some comfort in knowing that we aren't the only people who have had to grieve this unbroken version of ourselves, and that it doesn't mean that the path we must take thenceforth is completely predestined.
“You and I both enjoy pondering the purpose of life, how to most ethically spend our energies, etc., but isn’t that all for the mental and literary exercise?? If we’re being honest with ourselves, what else is the point but to indulge in such attraction and love?? Intensity of feeling!!??” is very very real to me. experiencing the thing for the sake of experiencing the thing is really what is at the bottom of everything, i think.
Casey, I’m proud of you for baring your heart in public. I hope it doesn’t seem so scary now, after the fact!
Love, emotions, doing right by yourself—this stuff is hard. It might be the most difficult task we have, as humans. I’m not sure I have any advice for you beyond this: in Portuguese, the sun sets each night, but is born again in the morning. It doesn’t have a goal, nor is it subject to some eternal torment: it just rises and sets. Some days it’ll be cloudy and the Earth doesn’t get enough light. Some days it’s too strong and uncomfortable for the people here. But the sun still shows up every day and does the thing it does because that’s what it means to be the sun.
For humans, I think that’s finding connection. We cannot help but seek it. Some days we’re cloudy and morose and feeling unloveable. Other days we’re worried about being too intense and burning the people we wish to care for.
But since we can’t do anything else, we might as well surrender to it. Buy the flowers. Choose to let what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow, not ruin what we wish would happen today.
jake this is such a generous and thoughtful response, thank you!! i agree that it is our daily duty to seek each other out and be there for one another however we can, even if some days we’ll be better at it than others. i’m trying to be more in the moment, something that i’ve improved at in some ways but to which i’m still resistant in others. buying the flowers was one simple act of spontaneity that surprised myself. to more and more :)
This was lovely, and believe it or not, I also own a copy of The Little Prince in Portuguese (a friend bought it thinking it was in a different language, then gave it to me since I speak Portuguese). I’ll think of this essay when I read it.
i’ve admittedly revisited this quite a few times over the past month and it gets better with every read. i deeply relate to the tendency to intellectualize rather than embody—especially because the two often occur simultaneously for me and take up the same amount of space. the catalyst for the numbness you alluded to, this unconscious promise to self that that “you caught me down once but you will never catch me again”—it seems like the kind of thing that develops not necessarily because you’re afraid of rejection (though this can be a factor), but because you can’t reconcile yourself with the fact that a guarantee of any kind was never attainable.
…hmm i think i just intellectualized your intellectualized essay 😂.
thank you so much!!! hey if the intellectualization is going to happen anyway, you might as well embrace it. but you’re exactly right — i don’t consider myself to be afraid of rejection, although i do exhibit the same kinds of avoidant tendencies of people who are. it’s odd.
Casey, this is just impossibly beautiful. I took some big breaths and near the end I welled up. So glad you were moved to write this, and so glad it came across my feed!
oh my gosh thank you so much !!! 🥹🥹🥹
this made me feel very seen❤️🩹
i really really loved this. and with every line i felt the need to scream “ME!” because i’ve been going through a similar path; heartbreak, numbness, wondering if i can ever feel again.
lately i’ve been giving in to my want for love. i haven’t done anything to open the door, but the first step is acknowledging that i yearn to feel. even voicing that feels like a huge step.
thank you luisa!!! it’s brutal, isn’t it? there’s comfort, for me at least, in knowing that i’m not alone in that experience.
i wrote in my journal sometime last year, after watching brokeback mountain and listening to the andrew garfield podcast episode, that i yearn for love. i wrote it several times in a row, and it felt like a big realization then; looking back, it absolutely was a big step to where i am now (which is to say, with a lot more to go!).
There is so much in this essay that I wanted to respond to as I read it, from the title to the last word. Intensity of self-awareness and self-honesty is a gift and a curse; nonetheless, I never stop loving the inquiry itself.
In the end, from one human to another, I hope for happiness for you!
thank you so much!! <3
So stirring, Casey. I felt like I was being called out in nearly every sentence: the over intellectualizing, the retreating into oneself, confusing the fear of fully feeling as the “bravery” of critical distance. I’m a Capricorn moon, CAN WE HELP IT? Your piece makes me think: maybe! Thanks for the vulnerability 💚
thank you so so much, kirk!! i'm glad it resonated, but also i'm sorry it resonated. what are we capricorn placements to do? :)
Thanks for the honest writing. When I was a bit younger than you, I wished for the day I'd have no nerves, no jitters, a kind of deadened sense of confidence. I'm pretty close to achieving that now, and I do miss the old days, though I also know they weren't much fun, which also made me a worse person.
ah wow this is so good!! my reading list expands, as i find even more art to aim to emulate. i, too, mourn for the version of myself who wore his heart on his sleeve, who was able to find a deep-seated love for objects of desire so quickly... i hope to follow in your footsteps, and that this current relation maintains its fire
wow thank you so so much for this generous comment :) maybe there is some comfort in knowing that we aren't the only people who have had to grieve this unbroken version of ourselves, and that it doesn't mean that the path we must take thenceforth is completely predestined.
“You and I both enjoy pondering the purpose of life, how to most ethically spend our energies, etc., but isn’t that all for the mental and literary exercise?? If we’re being honest with ourselves, what else is the point but to indulge in such attraction and love?? Intensity of feeling!!??” is very very real to me. experiencing the thing for the sake of experiencing the thing is really what is at the bottom of everything, i think.
Are you in my brain… 🧍♀️ All relatability aside, fabulous work! Keep loving and being open to love :)
Casey, I’m proud of you for baring your heart in public. I hope it doesn’t seem so scary now, after the fact!
Love, emotions, doing right by yourself—this stuff is hard. It might be the most difficult task we have, as humans. I’m not sure I have any advice for you beyond this: in Portuguese, the sun sets each night, but is born again in the morning. It doesn’t have a goal, nor is it subject to some eternal torment: it just rises and sets. Some days it’ll be cloudy and the Earth doesn’t get enough light. Some days it’s too strong and uncomfortable for the people here. But the sun still shows up every day and does the thing it does because that’s what it means to be the sun.
For humans, I think that’s finding connection. We cannot help but seek it. Some days we’re cloudy and morose and feeling unloveable. Other days we’re worried about being too intense and burning the people we wish to care for.
But since we can’t do anything else, we might as well surrender to it. Buy the flowers. Choose to let what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow, not ruin what we wish would happen today.
Keep it up, and great piece :)
jake this is such a generous and thoughtful response, thank you!! i agree that it is our daily duty to seek each other out and be there for one another however we can, even if some days we’ll be better at it than others. i’m trying to be more in the moment, something that i’ve improved at in some ways but to which i’m still resistant in others. buying the flowers was one simple act of spontaneity that surprised myself. to more and more :)
This was lovely, and believe it or not, I also own a copy of The Little Prince in Portuguese (a friend bought it thinking it was in a different language, then gave it to me since I speak Portuguese). I’ll think of this essay when I read it.
muito obrigado!! what a lovely coincidence :) i haven’t read it through in portuguese yet but i plan to soon.
Sounds like you’re being very courageous with your emotions. Beautifully written and insightful!!
thank you for the kind words! i'm trying :)
*grazes fingers across your back*
<3333
this was really so beautiful man, congrats on finding something beautiful in buenos aires!!
thank u so much !!! i appreciate it :)